彻底绝望

从小到大，我都会问自己；为什么别人回到家，可以有父母煮饭给他们吃，为什么没人帮我贴校章在校服上，为什么别人不开心时，回到家可以告诉妈妈，为什么。。。为什么。。。。 因为我知道没人可以回答我，所以我小小就要学会自己解决问题，开解自己的心情。

直到去年的年尾，我真的彻底的对”家” 和”家人” 失望。 回想四年前，嫁给老公时，我真的很高兴。因为终于可以拥有自己的一个家和可以”借借”他家人的关爱。没想到，不到一年，我和他妈妈竟然出了冲突。因为宝宝刚出生，我回家婆家做月子。她不认同我很多的做法，所以吵了起来。也因为当时我的情绪比较低落，所以免得会发火。她不但不鼓励我喂母乳，还连我的餐单都说三说四。基本上，我坐月的东西都是我自己准备的。我妈妈也给了我钱买药材补补身子。老公夹在中间都很为难。我也知道她们更本不喜欢我， 因为我有糖尿病。

在婆家受到委屈，却不能告诉自己的妈妈，弟妹也不明白，委屈只有自己吞了。从此以后，每当回到去，我都学会了变盲，聋，哑的人。

去年又发现原来自己一起长大的弟妹更本没信任过我，没把我当家人，姐姐。很多事都瞒着我，我永远都是最后才知的人。更令我崩溃的是她们还谝故事来骗我。可能也是我自己的问题吧。所以得不到他们的信任和我分享他们的喜于落。

弟妇怀孕或小产，爸妈或弟弟都没直接告诉我。都是阿姨告诉我的。我只能又装什么都不知道。今天因为妹妹和小弟弟的保险费charge了我的信用卡，通知了妹妹，她竟然不接我的电话，还卦线。没打算搞清楚事情，就叫我先付钱。只是短短的几分钟的电话给她的agent就能解决，她却告诉我等她有空她会打电给agent.问他几时可以知道因为我的credit card due date 要到了，她就卦线。然后不接电话了。。。。。到底我做错了什么??!!!! 我又能够告诉谁？

Moving on~~~

Soon, we will be leaving this condo unit, after 4 years and 2.5 months. I'm really happy that soon we will be moving into our own new home! On the other hand, I feel sad too, sad to leave this place. Looking back, we moved in here after a year my Aunt Leng passed away suddenly in her sleep while she was in Singapore visiting a friend of hers, in year 2008. In the same year of 2009, I was retrenched from Philips Malaysia due to regional office's restructuring. There were too many ups and downs from then onward. 

Hubby proposed on 26 October 2009 (I'm still jobless). Planned for our wedding for a year and finally in 28/02/2010, we entered into ROM, followed by photoshooting and blah blah blah....wedding ceremony and dinner reception held on 18/09/2010. I was pregnant 4 months of our wedding ceremony, just when all the relatives were asking "Are you pregnant yet? How many month have u been married?". 

After the CNY, when I return to my work, I noticed few changes in my body and metabolisme. I was emotionally too..perhaps due to the pregnancy hormonal changes. I started to guess and suspecting if I were expecting, hehe. Another week to have my period. 3 days passed due. Bought the pregnancy test strip, did it, blurry line shown, a bit disappointed. 1 weeks due, bought another test strip, because I strongly believe that I was pregnant! This time, I tested it in the morning before going to work. Double line shown on test strip, I was crying looking on it! Too happy, snapped photo and MMS to my hubby to tell him the good news. I was finally conceived with our BABY!

Throughout the 9 months of struggling and tough diabetic pregnancy, our baby finally was born on 14/10/2011. After all, I was induced at 38 weeks, and after suffering painful and worrying induce of 36hours++, Pei Nee was delivered via C-section, birth weight at 2.49kg. My heart just sank. All because of me and my not well controlled diabetic. Not to mentioned my heart broken 2 months of confinement and breastfeeding. Well, I was still manage to exclusively giving Pei Nee pure breastmilk for 6 months and subsequently mixed with formula until she turned 1 in year Oct 2012.

Too many memories here. Most of my life stages happened here.

To be continued....

2012 Moving Onward to 2013

It has been a year (?) since I last updated my blog. Haha, time really flies. With a baby to take care, well, I have been quite occupied.

Brief summary of 2012:

1) I have a baby turned to a toddler, celebrated her 1st birthday in October.

2) I had finally have the courage to learn up knitting and crochet - by finished few projects for my parents, Pei Nee, my friend's daughter (2013) and my uncle's baby (2013).

3) I know my diabetic wasn't in good control, but I have been telling myself to have a better healthy diet.

4) Well.....thorough-out 2012, I mostly was busy with my Pei Nee :)

This year ahead:

1) House renovation and moved in (in less than 3 months time).

2) Changed a job - different job scope, job role and location.

3) Preparing for conceive second pregnancy?

I have to admit that all this while I have been neglecting my hubby and due to my very dissatisfied job, I have been mumbling, blaming and complaining to him and which in a way, this is quite hurting our relationship.

Besides, I'm also having in-law issues with my mother-in-law. Is this my own problem after all?

Miserable

What would come across your mind or how would you react when the doctor is telling you:-
(a) Your eye sight - glaucoma is 10% now
(b) Your cholesterol level is high, you need to control your diet
(c) Your HbA1c is very high at 9.9
(d) Your kidney function deteriorating - 1% failure.

I told the doctor, how can I control them if I feel hungry all the time while I'm now breastfeeding my baby? She and all the diabetic consultants said nothing. Just advise me to control my diet and food intake..haihz. These I have been listening for ages and not all of them are practically applied, as my lifestyle now could not comprehend it. I asked 'Can I still breastfeed? Will it affecting my baby's health?" - Doctor said keep continuing with breastfeeding while I surely have to monitor my glucose level.

The first thing flashed on my mind was "How about my baby if i'm not well?", "Can I still witness her growth?" etc......Worried and worried :(

When Pei Nee is down with flu and cough, she lost her voice and cried cz not comfortable. My heart just broken into thousand pieces. She cried, I cried with her. What a lousy mother I'm!!! I got to be in good health, else who will be taking care of my girl?

~~   活着当下  ~~

伤感

我已觉得很累很累。。。。

原来婆媳关系真的10对里，只会有1 对可以相处的融合。就算你怎么努力也好，总会被伤到。还是自己的妈妈是最好的。可是我妈妈呢？在我最需要她的时候，她也不会在我身旁，安慰，鼓励我。我篇要面对的是一位家婆，加上家婆的家婆。

以前一直提醒自己，别嫁大或小儿子，或独子。但是我偏偏嫁的是他家中的大儿子，独子。所以，他家的事终是依靠他。我变的要很独立。永远都是排第二，或许第三。。。。。

因为我父母在我很小就出国做工，我做大的就得扛起照顾弟弟妹妹，外公，外婆。到我20几岁时，已经觉得很累。常问自己，为什么别人可以很自由的过自己想要的生活，不需烦恼很多我需烦的东西，为什么这个，为什么那个。还常问我妈。她总是不会答我。

还天真的想，如果嫁人了，可以拥有自己的家。还有打算跟家婆家公住。原来我也是跟其它媳妇一样了，现在会想希望他们不会一起住。因为到今天我才真真的感觉到，就算我怎么做都好，我也不可能成为他们家的一份子。所以我决定了，在他家，我只可以装聋扮哑。勉的老公夹在我们女人中间。难为人。

生孩子记

Breakfast at Pappa Rich @ Cheras

10 月12日，今天我要照医生的话，进 医院。老公已 请假陪我。睡醒，我们一起去Pappa Rich 吃早餐。然后就去Midvalley 办些东西，顺边走走，吃吃东西。因为产后要戒口。RM100由早餐到晚餐应该够用吧。还买了一包肉干。呵呵。

下午4 点， 我躺在病床。今晚应该会很闷。有几位 医生来看过我。他们说明天7 AM，就会帮我摧生。晚上9点多，我赶快去洗澡洗头发。病房的灯变暗了。全部孕妇都该睡了。我却睡不着。听着宝宝的哭声，想像自己肚子里的宝宝。真的很期待。夜了，我还是睡不了。
10月13日，早上7 点，医生来叫我进examination room. 我躺在那冰冰的铁床，医生帮我放药摧生-真的很痛。我回到我自己的床。开始觉得一阵一阵 的痛。12.30PM, 老公来看我。吃饱后，肚子没那么痛，不过这不是好的信息。因为肚子不痛，子宫就不会开。7PM，医生说子宫开到3CM 了.明天在摧生。今天的进展不乐观 :(

10月14日，凌晨5点，我床旁来了两个孕妇。7点，医生又叫我进examination room。每次医生在examination room检查我时，我都会很怕很怕。因为他用手子放进我的子宫里面时，真的会很痛。先在想到都会心怕怕。我的脚怕到都在斗。她帮我的子宫开到4CM 了。当我走着去病床时，我的洋胎水破了。我还以为我痛到濑尿。护士说我可以进产房了，她推我去。

我马上打电话给老公，叫他吃饱早餐后，就来医院。9AM, 护士帮我吊水，然后推我进另一个产房。我开始紧张。怕老公赶不急来。当护士推着推着我的床，看到老公了，心也安下来了。早上11AM，我们都在等，等，等。。。。肚子开始痛了。老公都没离开。我叫他去吃午餐。他忡忡茫茫吃了又赶回来我身旁。4PM, 开了6CM 了。还要4CM. 不过我已经饿到没力气了。就算可以自然生产，我也没力把宝宝推出来。我告诉老公 “我放弃了，没力了，我很饿。叫医生开刀吧。。。”。

7PM, 医生和护士准备把我推进手术房。8PM 吧，老公看起来很担心又紧张的看着我被推进去。被麻醉了大概半小时，医生就开始问我问题，然后就动刀了。
医生告诉我现在要把宝宝从我的肚子推出来，我会有感觉的。不久她告诉我宝宝已拿出来了。我没听到她的哭声，开始担心。宝宝就马上哭了一下。我还问护士现在几点钟 – 9.15PM. 我很冷很冷。。。全身不能动。躺在病床眼光光，睡不着。2PM, 想起，就sms 朋友，弟弟和小姑，告诉他们我生了。。。原来他们也还没睡。哈哈。看着别的产妇抱着他们的宝宝，我又想着宝宝了。因为我开刀，被麻醉，不能动，可能还会痛，所以宝宝不能放在我身边。她在护士那边，他们替我照顾她。

Pregnancy Journey: 37th Week on 02-10-2011

One happy family!

My navel is like a kissing mouth!